my life feels so odd. it could be better. i think i'm working up to the vision in my head for it. its just taking longer than i thought. and theres been more ups and downs than i thought. it all evens out but even then, they still hurt. i can't talk to most of the people i've loved. i think theres an understanding of myself i don't have because of that. i don't know what that says about me. if its good or bad. or anything at all. but i miss them. but not really. but kinda. i wish they meant more than they did. and i wish life meant more to me than it does. i don't really care for it. nor do i see the beauty in it. though i feel it sometimes. the moment doesn't feel better than the plans i have when i believe them. i don't put my gaurd down and its hard to be excited that way. i'm getting better. i'm closest to a solid album than i've ever been. and making songs is getting easier to pump out. work has gotten enjoyable. i don't quite know whats next for me. i just want to have fun.
yesterday i looked up the nearest gun shops near me. i learned i can die by my preferred method for only $150. i never thought i would get this far. and yet im still not scared.
i have gotten so lucky. i have amazing people around me at all times. and yet i burn for what i dont have. i can't stand myself. and i hate myself. because i've hurt so many people in a real way. and i know everybody has. but im not ready to accept that its just gonna be a part of me. i don't know if i can fix it. but it makes me miserable. and i don't want to be alive. and i don't want to live with this part.